The Laser Pointer
by PartyDarnit
Summary: When Hidan finds a laser pointer, it's all fun and games but who would have thought something disturbing could stem from something so innocent? He and Deidara sure didn't but then again, it was Zetsu. Rated for Hidan's Language.


'Television sure does suck.' Deidara thought for the umpteenth time as he mashed the channel button on the remote, cycling through the two-hundred and something channels so quickly they was nothing but a blur of unrendered pictures and clusterfuck of sound bites. He had been channel checking for the last two hours to satisfy his boredom but thus far he had been left with nothing but his boredom developing its own boredom and a numb ass.

'Something better happen or so help me, God…'

"Hey, Blondie!"

'Not God, but Jashin will work.' Deidara shrugged as Hidan walked into the living, wearing the most shit-eating grin he could muster. Deidara was surprised his face didn't look like Kakuzu's by now by how much he grinned in such a matter.

"Look what I found." Hidan sang as he extended his arm with his pale fist clenched to conceal what ever possession he was so proud of. Deidara perked up, welcoming what ever surprise the Jashinist held in store, be it life threatening or not, as long as it wasn't boring too. Hidan opened his hand, revealing a slick, red laser pointer. Deidara raised a slim eyebrow.

"Where'd you find that, hmm?" Deidara asked, sitting up as he attempted to snag the device from the fellow man to get a closer view but Hidan tore his hand well from his reach.

"In my underwear drawer. I used to annoy the fuck out of Kakuzu all the damn time with this." Upon hearing the prior resting place of the laser pointer, Deidara wisely reclined his hand with a grimace.

Hidan clicked the small button on the side, causing a bright beam to flood from the tip of the toy. He waved it about on the ceiling for a bit, snickering as Deidara followed at it like an enticed cat before lowering it and shining directly in the artist's eyes. Deidara flinched and shielded his eyes with his hand.

"Stop!" He barked and Hidan chuckled sadistically as he continued to torment the youth with the bright light. The sound of a door opening distracted the albino though and he glanced over his shoulder to see Zetsu come lumbering out to the kitchen, much to his disappointment. He had hoped to be Kakuzu or Itachi, now that would be a hoot.

After a several minutes, Hidan grew bored of Deidara's squirming from the sinister dot and glanced back over to the kitchen where Zetsu sat, now eating a bowl of the sugar-coated and flamboyant cereal Tobi owned. Deciding to direct his amusement elsewhere, he flickered the laser at Zetsu now, waving it on his face and bowl. The cannibal failed to notice however and Hidan shined in on the dining table instead, succeeding in finally grasping Zetsu's attention as the man slapped his hand at the glowing fairy. Hidan snickered and Deidara grinned to himself as they watched Zetsu continually swatted at the elusive light, at one point even growling like a provoked dog as the laser escaped his hand time and time again.

Hidan settled the light on the grassy-haired man's hand to see if Zetsu would end up slapping himself in an attempt to kill it but he did something else that left the two younger men rolling. He lifted said hand to his face, and bit himself.

Hidan and Deidara collapsed to the floor, screaming with laugher as they hugged their imploding abdomens at what they had just witnessed. Zetsu shifted in his chair, staring at the two with a clearly unamused expression at their mockery. By the time Hidan and Deidara stopped, they were red in the face and breathless, both still giggling though as they got back to their feet.

"You're…you're so fucking stupid!" Hidan gasped out between pants though Zetsu honored him with no reply as he remained silent and calmly awaited for them to regain themselves.

With Hidan distracted, Deidara made a dive for the laser pointer the man had dropped in his fit, forgetting at the moment where it had been prior. Deciding to add insult to injury, he lined it up with the lidless eye on Zetsu's face and clicked the button before the male had a chance to turn away. Nothing happened. He jabbed his thumb on the golden button again, but the little light did not switch on.

"It's broken…" The blonde whined after numerous more attempts and Hidan spun around toward him.

"You fucking broke it?" The taller of the two snapped and snatched the device for the other, spamming the button himself with no results either. "You fucking broke it!"

"No, I didn't! It was already broken when I picked it up, hmm!" Deidara retaliated, stealing it back from Hidan as he shook it vigorously to jump start the batteries though Hidan grabbed it back, causing them to break out into a fight, arguing loudly as they fought over the children's toy.

"Ahem."

Both ceased in their mindless yelling and looked over at Zetsu where he had been quietly sitting the entire time. He cleared his throat again, and then proceeded to open his mouth. Hidan and Deidara's jaws dropped.

There, in the taboo depths of the schizoid's jowels, was the red dot, sitting snuggly on the tip of his tongue.

Deidara and Hidan stared in unspeakable horror as the man closed his mouth again after a few seconds then made a swallowing gesture, his split throat briefly emulating a matching red colour light before vanishing beneath the collar of his sweatshirt.

Without another word, he picked up his soggy breakfast and calmly left back to his room, leaving the other two men staring wide-eyed and slack jawed.

"...Hidan…Jashinists don't happen to know how to perform exorcisms…do they?"

"…I'll get my bible."

…

**AN: It is stupid how proud of this I am. I mean, just think about it, it's Zetsu afterall. Haha. **

**I also want to take this chance to add a bulletin for my viewers, or what remains of them. Firstly, I want to apologize for my lack of stories, just been brain-dead as of late, and second, I'm sorry but I am NO LONGER writing yaoi. I just fell out of love with it so the stories I will be producing will not only be HETEORSEXUAL, but also GENDERBEND. Yes, so if you don't wanna see characters such as Deidara, Zetsu and Sasori, or even others, with breasts, I suggest you leave now. **

**Thank you. **


End file.
